


Baby Steps

by someofthissomeofthat11011



Series: Bramverse [1]
Category: Simon vs. the Homo Sapiens Agenda - Becky Albertalli
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-13
Updated: 2018-05-13
Packaged: 2019-05-06 06:47:22
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 14,991
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14636292
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/someofthissomeofthat11011/pseuds/someofthissomeofthat11011
Summary: What if it was Bram that had been checking his email in the school library before Martin used the computer? Martin blackmails Bram into helping him with Abby, but since Bram doesn’t know Abby well, he turns to Simon for help. Takes place from Bram's POV.





	Baby Steps

 

“I read your email,” Martin Addison tells me. He pulled me outside during lunch about five minutes ago and I am eager to get back in. I am not a particularly talkative person and Martin Addison is the complete opposite. He’s the kind of person that calls attention to himself even if it’s at the expense of another person, which always made me uncomfortable.

“Okay?” I say. I know I sound annoyed, but I can’t help it. Why do I care if he saw my school email? The only thing in it is something from Mr. Wise about helping a freshman who is failing his class.

“So it might interest you to know my brother is gay...” Martin says.

I stare at him as the blood drains from my face and I suddenly realize that he is not talking about my school email. “I… what? No, that wouldn’t interest me at all,” I squeak.

“Hey, it’s okay. It’s not like it’s a big deal,” he says with a shrug. But it is a big deal; it’s a huge deal to me. “So what’s the point of the fake name.”

I would have thought that much was obvious. I frown. I know I signed out. I very distinctly remember double checking that I signed out. Heck, I triple and quadruple checked. I couldn’t wait to check my email after school, because I had intentionally said something quite suggestive in my last email and I was dying to see Jacques' reaction. But I knew the risk of checking it from a school computer, so I checked multiple times that I wasn’t logged in. “I did not leave my email logged in.” I turn to look at him.

He suddenly looks nervous. “Sure you did.”

“No,” I argue. “I logged out. I’m sure of it.”

“Okay, so maybe you did and your password automatically saved,” Martin reasons. “You’re a quiet kid; I was curious. Who’s Jacques?”

“No one,” I grumble. The last thing I want is for Jacques to be roped into an already crappy situation.

Jacques. My Jacques. I don't know his name, but I feel like I know him. The more I learn, the more I fall in love with him. At first it was just about the gay thing. Both of us were in the closet and we could understand each other in a way no one else could, but that changed. It isn't just about us being able to relate to each other. Jacques is impulsive and funny and brave and everything that I’m not. He’s starting to rub off on me. I’m becoming braver in my emails, more honest… more me. I want Jacques to know everything about me even if it’s terrifying. Anytime I get an email from him, I feel like my heart is beating a mile a minute.

“Hey, relax. I’m not going to show anyone.” I’m instantly angry. He better not show anyone; he has no right to go snooping through my personal emails and definitely has no right to the secret he discovered therein. Then his words hit me and I can't believe what he just said.

“Show anyone. What do you mean you won’t show anyone?” Martin stares at me with this weird smile on his face, as if he isn’t in the process of ruining my life. “Did you print out my emails?”

“I didn’t print them.” He waits just long enough for me to feel relieved before he says, “I took pictures of them on my phone.”

I close my eyes. This is a nightmare. It has to be. A really, really bad nightmare. “What do you want?” I feel like I sound weak and tired, but I’m not sure if that is all in my head.

“Abby Suso sits at your lunch table, right?” Martin asks.

“Uh… yeah?” I can’t figure out how that has anything to do with him taking pictures of my emails.

“I’m wondering if you could put in a good word for me… maybe convince her to go out with me,” Martin suggests.

“Why would I do that?” I ask angrily. “Besides, I don’t really know her all that well. I only sit at that table because Garrett sits there.”

“That’s really unfortunate,” Martin says slowly. He’s talking to me as if I’m stupid. “I wouldn’t want your emails to get out. Imagine Jacques’ surprise if his personal emails were suddenly broadcasted all over school.”

My hands bunch into fists as I realize what he’s saying. He’s blackmailing me! If I don’t try to help him with Abby, then he’s going to out me? What did I ever do to him to deserve this? I feel like my world is spinning out of control and I know if I don’t get away from him I’m going to do something I’ll regret. “I’ll see what I can do,” I mutter before I turn and walk away.

I attract several odd looks when I return to my lunch table. I don’t even want to know what I look like. I sit in silence the rest of lunch, not saying a word; not even when Garrett tries to draw me into the conversation. They usually are fine with me sitting in silence, but I guess they’re curious about what Martin wanted, so they don’t leave me alone. I can’t touch my food. I’m worried that if I eat anything, I’ll throw it right back up.

I stop at my locker before last period and make sure I have all of my books. When the bell rings, I practically run from the school and I’m out of the parking lot before most kids reach their cars.

I have hours and hours ahead of me when I get home. I wish the soccer season hadn’t ended, because I could definitely use the stress relief of being able to kick a ball around a field. But we had a disappointing loss during our first play-off game, so our season ended in the beginning of November when it could have gone on for weeks. I can’t help but pace as I ponder my dilemma. I should tell Jacques; I know this. I’m afraid… no, that's not powerful enough - I’m terrified this will be too much for him and that he’ll stop talking to me. There’s a reason that we don’t know each other’s identities yet and it’s because we’re not ready to come out yet, not even to the other closeted gay kid.

No matter how many times I open my laptop to explain to Jacques what has happened, I can never make myself get the words out.

Finally, after hours of agonizing, I accept that I can’t tell him. Now, more than ever, I need him. The idea of losing him on top of the potential of being outed to the school is too much. I also know that if I’m not going to tell him, I need to figure out a way to help Martin with Abby.

The problem is, I have no idea how to do that. I don’t know Abby well enough to swoop in and play matchmaker for her. I know Nick is head over heels in love with her, so he won’t help me. Garrett doesn’t really know Abby well enough to be of any help. He used to have a bit of a crush on her, but he got over that quickly. And Leah… well quite frankly, Leah frightens me a bit. She seems like a ticking time bomb that is just waiting to go off and yell at someone.

That leaves one person. Simon Spier.

I groan. Simon Spier is really cute by anyone’s standards. I’ve had a ridiculous crush on Simon for awhile, one that causes me to be weirdly quiet at lunch and pretty much any time that we’re in the same room together. I’d thought that once I started crushing on Jacques, I would get over Simon, but there’s something about him that’s really hard to get over.

I never talk to Simon, but I feel like I know him. He’s one of those people that seems like an open book at school and the more I learn about him, the more I like him. I like that he’s the kind of person that can strike up a conversation with anyone. I bet that if I were a little less awkward around him, he would be able to have a real conversation with me too. I like how he scrunches up his forehead when he’s really thinking about something. I even like that he holds eye contact for a second longer than appropriate, because when he does that to me, I almost feel like anything is possible. Even Simon somehow liking me.

But I’m pretty sure he’s straight. Actually, I’m positive. I’ve seen him around Leah. He actually understands that she’s a ticking time bomb and usually knows what to say to defuse her. They have more inside jokes than anyone I know and from my understanding, they seem to spend almost all of their time together. I don’t know if they just haven’t told anyone that they’re together or if they aren’t official yet, but it’s easier for me to think of Simon in a relationship with her. It makes it easier for me to accept that he’s straight and that I have no chance with him.

I wonder if Simon is the kind of guy that won’t be okay with gay people. He doesn’t strike me as that kind of person, but you never know.

I go back and forth. I doubt Simon will help me without any context, so going to him for help will require me to come out to him. This is a huge risk, because if he is one of those people that are uncomfortable with gay people, he might out me. But if I don’t go to him for help, Martin definitely will out me.

I sigh. Part of me just wants to get it over with and let Martin out me. Then I won’t have to worry about keeping it a secret anymore and I can get everyone’s reactions out of the way. That’s probably what I would do if it isn't for Jacques, but this isn’t just about me. It’s about both of us.

I guess there isn’t much of a choice. If there is any way I can protect Jacques, it’s by going to Simon for help.

I still keep pacing as I figure out how to bring it up with Simon. We have first period together and Mr. Wise never starts class on time. Maybe I can catch him before class, but it’s unlikely we won’t be overheard, and Mr. Wise isn’t about to let us sneak out of the classroom to talk. Lunch is out of the question. We can’t disappear without raising about a million red flags and I know we’d be subjected to the Spanish Inquisition once we got back. And Simon blushes when he lies - another thing I like about him, so that isn’t an option. The only other class we share together is Algebra. He usually walks into Algebra as the bell rings. No one really likes Algebra, but Simon seems to particularly hate that class so he’s never early and he’s always one of the first to leave. It blows my mind that he doesn’t like it, because Mr. Vernor has referred to him as one of his strongest students on more than one occasion.

Finding time to get Simon by himself is going to be harder than I thought. I think about asking him to do homework after school. Algebra is not my strongest subject and I can tell him Mr. Vernor recommended him to help me. I will tell him the truth after school, of course. That I needed an excuse to talk to him and I couldn’t think of any other way.

It doesn’t seem appealing to me, but it’s the best I can come up with. I don’t get a wink of sleep because I am so anxious about talking to Simon.

It turns out that I did all that planning for nothing. First period, Mr. Wise announces that we’re doing a project with a partner. He picks our names out of an old tin. He had long since written our names on popsicle sticks to use for this exact purpose. Mr. Wise is one of those teachers that doesn’t believe in letting us pick partners, because he thinks we need to learn how to work with people we don’t like.

Today, though, I’m so grateful that he doesn’t let us pick partners, because Simon and I are drawn together. He sheepishly smiles at me and when Mr. Wise lets us meet with our partner the last five minutes of class, Simon’s the one that suggests we get together to work on the project once he gets out of play practice tonight. I think I’m a little too eager when I agree, but he doesn’t say anything to indicate he noticed. It’s just too perfect. All that agonizing for nothing.

I try not to look like I want to crawl out of my skin when Martin winks at me at the end of class. It’s almost like he thinks I could forget that he’s blackmailing me. Because people just forget stuff like that.

By the time school gets out, I’ve built up my conversation with Simon so much in my head that I’m half convinced the entire school will know I’m gay before nightfall. It feels like the two sides of my brain are fighting over whether this is the best idea in the world or whether this is a sure-fire way to ruin my life.

Over thirty minutes before I’m expecting him, the doorbell rings. I bound down the stairs and am only partially surprised when it’s Simon.

“We got out of play practice early because we apparently all suck and Ms. Albright couldn’t take it anymore,” he says quickly.

“Um… I’m sorry?” I ask uncertainly. He looks pretty happy to have gotten out early.

“Don’t be. We all were off today. It’s like we couldn’t do anything right. And you get to the point where it’s better to stop practice than let the shitfest continue. We’ll be better tomorrow,” he says with a shrug. For a second, I admire that he’s able to brush it off like that. If a teacher told me I sucked, I’d be a mess. “So this project… Mr. Wise gave us a list of books we have to choose from. I don’t really care, so if there’s a particular book you want to read, we can do whatever you want.”

“I actually haven’t looked at the list yet,” I admit. Mr. Wise didn’t distribute the lists until the very end of class and my mind’s been somewhere else all day.

“You? I didn’t think you did stuff like that,” Simon grins. “You always struck me as the kind of person that does homework the day it’s assigned. I half expected you to have most of this project done before I got here.”

“Not always,” I defend myself. “Especially with big projects. I like to pace myself.” Simon’s smile only gets bigger and I realize he wasn’t being serious, but that I just unintentionally confirmed his theory. “Right… So, I’ll read through the list and see what our options are.” I shift uncomfortably. “Do you want something to eat or drink? We have some snacks like pretzels and Oreos…”

“Oreos sound delicious,” Simon has a dreamy look on his face. He starts to follow me to the kitchen. “They are a really important food group.”

“I love Oreos, but a food group? Don’t you think that’s taking it a little far?” I ask.

Simon cracks his knuckles. “Bram, Bram, Bram. Let me show you the error of your ways. You see, if I could, I would live off of Oreos. They are one of the most delicious foods on this planet and if I were a doctor, I would totally declare it healthy to eat them for all meals,” he proclaims.

“Oh, my apologies. I didn’t realize I was talking to an Oreo connoisseur. So, tell me Doctor. What is the recommended Oreo diet?” I ask. I can play along.

Simon frowns and looks deep in thought for a minute. It’s kind of cute how seriously he’s taking this. “Okay, here it is. Breakfast is an Oreo granola bar or an Oreo Pop-Tart,” he says.

“Oreo Pop-Tarts?” I ask, making a face. Pop-Tarts aren’t my favorite food, in fact, they are right up there with brussel sprouts. My dad doesn’t believe in hell, but my mom does so I don’t feel bad when I say that I’m pretty sure brussel sprouts and Pop-Tarts are Satan’s invention to torment the human race.

“Shut up. They’re delicious. Next is lunch. Oreo pizza, obviously.” Simon is grinning even bigger which is saying something. I have a feeling people don’t entertain his Oreo obsession all that often. I would have to tell Jacques about Simon’s recommended diet. He would get a kick out of that.

“There’s no way that’s a thing,” I point out.

“Is too,” he argues. “Instead of a crust, it’s the Oreo cookie. And instead of sauce it’s the cream. You can even get creative with the toppings and add crumbled Oreos if you’re really dedicated to the diet. Then dinner is fried Oreos and Oreo ice cream.”

“Yeah, I have to pass on that one.” I shudder. I’ll never be able to eat fried Oreos again – I’m too traumatized.

“Didn’t anyone ever tell you not to argue with your doctor?” Simon asks me. He is laughing a little, so there’s no bite to his words and I kinda love this. It’s the first real conversation I’ve had with Simon and he has this way of making me feel weightless.

“It’s nothing against your diet, which does sound delicious by the way.” Minus the Oreo Pop-Tarts, but I don’t say that. “I made the mistake of eating fried Oreos before riding the tilt-a-whirl once. That ruined them for me. I still get nauseated every time I see them.”

“Tell you what,” Simon says quickly. “You can substitute any Oreo product for the fried Oreo. You’ll obviously be missing out on their deliciousness, but given your experiences, I suppose that would be acceptable.”

“You forgot about dessert,” I say as I pull out the pack of Oreos from our pantry. My mom always has them on hand since Jacques told me he loves Reese’s and Oreos around Halloween and I’ve started eating both of them in copious quantities. It makes me feel closer to him in a weird way. Plus, he’s right - they are delicious.

“I didn’t forget. It’s just regular Oreos,” he says. “I’m actually really hungry for Oreos now, so thank God that you have some!”

I chuckle. “No problem. Do you want milk?”

“If it’s not too much,” he says.

I am pouring the milk when my hand starts to shake. I’m not sure why at first, but panic suddenly grips me. The panic reminds me that Simon isn’t here to eat Oreos and I have something that I need to ask him. Simon grabs the quart of milk from me and sets it on the counter. His face is full of concern. “What’s wrong?”

“I need your help with something,” I whisper. I can’t look at him. I’ll never get it out if I have to look at him.

“What is it?” he asks. I’ve never seen Simon so serious before. He’s usually joking around with his friends or doing something silly. He’s the kind of person that takes serious advantage of any dress-up days and any opportunity to act silly in school. Last year, he teamed up with Nick for a history project and both of them came dressed from head to foot in outlandish outfits to give a presentation on George Washington. Nick even wore a dress and pretended to be Martha. I open and close my mouth several times. I can’t do it. “Hey, it’s okay. Whatever it is, I’ll do it.” He almost sounds gentle.

“You might not say that once you know what it is,” I say. I close my eyes. This will definitely be easier if I’m not looking at him. “Just let me get this all out. I will answer any questions you have, but I need to get this all out.” I take a deep breath. “You know Martin Addison? He found out something about me, something no one knows. And he’s using it to blackmail me. He said if I don’t put in a good word with Abby, he’ll tell the whole school. I can’t have the whole school knowing, I really can’t. I don’t really know Abby that well, so I was hoping you would be able to help me.”

“Must be some secret if you’re willing to go through all these lengths to keep it hidden,” Simon observes. “I’ll see what I can do.”

He doesn’t try to pressure me and I'm a little surprised when he agrees to help me without any context. Somehow that makes me feel like I can tell him. “I’m gay.” I still don’t look at him. It’s the first time I’ve said it out loud. It’s easier than I thought, but I have a feeling that has more to do with Simon than my comfort with delivering the news. “I’ve been emailing another kid at our school who’s gay. No, I don’t know his name and I wouldn’t tell you if I did. Apparently, my password saved, so Martin logged into my email and took pictures of the emails we’ve been sending back and forth. It’s not just my secret I’m keeping hidden. It’s his. I… I really like this guy and I don’t want anything to hurt him.”

I finally look up and I see the strangest glint in Simon’s eyes. It’s gone a split second later. “Thank you for telling me. I appreciate that you trust me enough to tell me something like that. I’m sure it wasn’t easy.” His eyes make me feel like he can see into my soul. “I won’t tell anyone. Your secret is safe with me.”

I feel like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. All that worrying that Simon wouldn’t be okay with me was for nothing. We try to work on our project after that, but we don’t make much progress. I guess it’s a good thing we have three weeks to do it, because we spend most of the night talking to each other. Simon seems extremely eager to get to know me more. I guess that’s the consequence of me being so quiet around him for so long. He doesn’t really know me.

I think Simon is flirting with me at several moments throughout the night, but I remind myself that he’s straight. I can’t project my wishful thinking onto his actions. I also remind myself of Jacques. Before he leaves, Simon suggests we exchange phone numbers. I try not to look to excited as we do that. I know I won't text him unless I have to, but the knowledge that he's just a phone call away makes me feel like I'm walking on water.

The Tuesday after I come out to Simon, I’m sitting at the table at lunch when Martin sits across from me. He smiles at me when he catches my eye and I freeze. For a moment, I’m gripped with terror that he’s already going to out me before he gives me and Simon a chance. Instead, Abby takes the seat next to him and they fall into a comfortable banter. From listening to their conversation, I glean that Simon, Martin, and Abby went to the Waffle House to practice their lines after play practice last night and that it’s going to be a regular thing. I make eye contact with Simon, but I’m not sure my gratitude shows. I owe him big time. In just five days, he managed to make it happen. I know from Martin’s not-so-subtle thumbs up that he’s pleased. Simon will be at my house that night to work on our project, so I make a mental note to thank him and buy him dinner or something. When I thank him after school, he doesn’t make a big deal about it and he doesn’t tell me how he made it happen. He doesn’t look like he wants to keep talking about it, so I don’t push him for information even though I’m dying to know.

Once again, we spend most of our night talking instead of working on the project. We did pick the Shakespeare play we’re going to read and I’ve already read Hamlet, so I don’t feel too bad about the procrastination. And we did do something, so I guess that’s progress. The more we talk, the more I question whether or not Simon is really straight. He talks a lot like Jacques. He overuses the word ‘freaking’, seems to have the same sense of humor, and even has the same food cravings that Jacques has talked about. Despite how much the clues point to him, I refuse to let myself believe it. He probably would have told me if he was Jacques, because I told him I was Blue when I came out to him. And really, what are the odds?

Simon comes over that Thursday after play practice as well. We’re mid conversation, when Simon gets an uncomfortable look on his face.

“Do your parents know about you?” He asks uncertainly.

I put down the pencil. I’m not actually taking any notes and I don’t really do the doodling thing, so I’ve just been holding it and staring at a blank piece of paper. His question throws me off at first, but I understand what he’s asking me after a moment. “If I’m gay?” I confirm. He nods. “No, I haven’t told them.”

“Do you think you will?” He asks.

“Eventually, yeah. I can’t exactly hide this forever. They’ll probably become suspicious when my dates have facial hair,” I say. I’m confused by the look on his face.

“Eventually,” he mutters. “I don’t want to step out of bounds; I know I don’t know you all that well yet, but in case this doesn’t work out with Martin, I think you should tell them.”

“Are things going poorly?” I ask nervously.

“Not exactly. Martin’s happy, but I don’t think Abby likes him like that,” Simon explains. “And if Martin picks up on that… I just think they’d rather hear it from you. Word travels fast, even among the parents here.”

I look at him uncomfortably. I know he’s right, but I don’t think he understands what a huge step it is to come out to your parents as gay. “I’m just not ready yet,” I tell him. “But I will think about it, if that helps.”

Simon frowns, but doesn’t push it further. That’s one of the things I appreciate about him. He never pressures me.

The following week is Thanksgiving and I barely get to see Simon. He goes to Waffle House with Abby and Martin on Monday and is doing stuff with his family Tuesday and Wednesday, so our project remains forgotten.

The entire day of Thanksgiving, as my parents are both in the same place at the same time to celebrate Thanksgiving with me, I can’t help but think about what he said. This would probably be the ideal time to tell them. They’re not going to be together like this until next Thanksgiving and if I don’t do it now, I’ll have to do it twice.

But, I can’t make myself do it. I need more time. So, Thanksgiving comes and goes without me coming out to my parents. Simon doesn’t ask the next time he sees me and I don’t bring it up.

When he comes over after school on Tuesday, we actually work on our project, because now we only have a few days until it’s due. We actually finish it, but agree to get together the next day to look over it and make sure it’s really ready to be submitted.

I think maybe Simon is as nervous about our looming deadline and what it might mean for us, because he’s the one to bring it up. “So our project is due tomorrow,” he says slowly. “I’ve really liked hanging out with you. When you’re not all quiet, you’re really fun to be around.”

“I’ve liked it too,” I agree.

“I think it would be a shame if we went back to being weirdly quiet around each other,” Simon continues. “I was thinking maybe we could hang out once in awhile. Do something not Shakespeare related.”

I can’t help but laugh. Simon despises Shakespeare with every fiber of his being, so he hated every second of this project. “So no Shakespeare in the park?” I confirm.

Simon pretends to look like he’s in pain. “I would rather give up Oreos,” he says dramatically.

I roll my eyes. “Yeah, like that would ever happen.”

When Simon leaves that night, we have plans to get together over the weekend. I can’t help the relief I feel that he won’t be gone from my life. I know this isn’t helping my crush on him, but part of me doesn’t care.  

My relief disappears the day we submit our project. I get to lunch and Martin is mysteriously absent. At least, it is a mystery until Abby and Nick get to lunch. They’re walking hand in hand and when they sit down, I see Abby whisper something to Simon. She has a guilty look on her face. Simon nods and a resolute look crosses his face. Nick leans over and whispers something to him. Simon nods his head again and whispers something back. He catches me staring and nervously smiles at me.

I don’t understand what is happening, but a feeling of dread spreads through me. When lunch ends, Simon walks next me. “Don’t worry about it. Everything will be fine.”

I don’t have the chance to ask him how everything could possibly be fine, because we get separated by a sea of students trying to get to class. After school, I go to my locker and wait for the school to empty out before I make my way to the auditorium. I know from what Simon has told me that they usually spend the first couple of minutes of play practice goofing off and getting in the zone, so I am hoping to get him alone. My plan is to pretend that I have a question about our English project so that I can ask him what he meant when he said everything was going to be fine.

I freeze as I’m about to round the corner to the auditorium, because two people are arguing back and forth. Their voices echo through the hall and it doesn’t take me long to recognize that the voices belong to Simon and Martin.

“I don’t know what you want from me,” Martin shouts.

“I want you to leave Bram alone. It’s not his fault that Abby doesn’t like you.” Simon sounds angry. Angrier than I’ve ever heard him sound.

“He was supposed to help me,” Martin bites back.

“And he tried. He… oh, what did you call it before? Passed the baton to me. If you’re going to punish anyone, it should be me. I’m the one who failed to get Abby to like you. And do you know why? Because you can’t force feelings on someone,” Simon shouts.

“She didn’t even give me a chance.” Martin sounds like he is close to tears. I feel bad for him until he continues to speak. “I was humiliated. All because he didn’t help me.”

“Out me,” Simon says quietly. I have to strain to hear him and even then, I’m not sure that I heard him correctly.

“What?” Martin asks. Apparently I’m not the only one that is second guessing what he said.

“Out me instead. I’m gay. Tell the school that.” My heart starts pounding in my chest. It’s one thing to have my suspicions. It’s another thing to have them confirmed.

“You’re gay? Why the hell would you want to be outed?” Martin asks. “It doesn’t make a difference. I don’t have your emails. People would just think it was a prank.”

“You do have my emails. I’m Jacques.” I didn’t know it was possible for my heart to beat faster, but now it’s beating so fast, I’m pretty sure one heartbeat blends into another. Simon is my Jacques. I let out the breath I didn’t know I was holding. Thank God! That’s all I can think. All that worrying and the convincing myself that I was seeing what I wanted to see, but it was him all along.

There is a long silence. “Okay then. You really want to do this?”

“I’d do anything for him,” Simon declares. He makes me feel warm inside. I know I should interfere, but I can’t quite make myself move. “I have one more thing to say. Do you know how messed up it is that outing him wouldn’t have been enough? You want to hurt him. And why? Because your little crush didn’t pan out? You can go to hell.”

“Why are you so pissed? You got what you wanted. Your precious little Blue is safe,” Martin taunts.

I suddenly find my voice. Maybe it’s the fact that Martin is actually going to do it, he’s actually going to out Simon instead of me. Or maybe it’s how much I love Simon, but my feet suddenly start to work. “I can’t let you do this.” I step around the corner. “You shouldn’t out yourself just because I’m not ready. You’re not ready either.”

For a minute, they both stare at me surprised. Simon recovers first. “I am ready,” he says seriously. “I’ve been ready since I found out who you are.”

“But your family... and your friends,” I point out.

“They all know,” Simon tell me.

I can’t help but stare. “What?” I ask.

“I’ve been planning for this for awhile. Abby’s known since the first day we went to Waffle House. I told my family when my older sister was home for Thanksgiving. I told Leah last weekend. And I told Nick last night,” Simon explains. I still stare. So much life has been happening for him and I’d had no idea.

A thought suddenly occurs to me. A thought so crazy and impossible that it takes me a moment to believe it is possible. “You’re ready to be out, then let’s be out,” I whisper.

“Are you insane?” Simon asks.

Quite possibly, but I’m not about to admit that. “Think about it. One of us is getting outed regardless. Why not be out… together?” I know I am blushing from the way that Simon stares. I can’t blame him. About two weeks ago, I told him I wasn’t ready for this.

“Okay, I really think you've lost it,” he tells me.

“You don't want to?” I ask. I know that my voice sounds like I’m about to cry and maybe I am. I have undeniably fallen in love with Simon over the last few weeks, and now that I know he’s Jacques, my love has only been magnified. The idea that he doesn't feel the same way makes me feel like I’m choking on air.

“It's not that I don’t want to, but do you know what you're asking? If we're both out, people are going to assume we're together. You're going to get a ton of shit about that,” Simon points out.

I am beginning to think he might actually be that oblivious and that he really may not understand what I'm suggesting. “Okay, let me reword this so that there's no chance you won't get what I’m saying. What if we're both out together and people know we're in a relationship.”

“But then… oh!” Finally! That's all I could think. Finally! He's silent for awhile. “You really want that?”

“I'm all in if you are,” I promise.

“All in,” Simon whispers. The look he gives me makes me want to kiss him right then and there. He looks at Martin. I’d actually forgotten Martin was here and I’m surprised he never interjected with a snide comment. He has an almost comical look of surprise on his face, which I suppose explains his silence. “You’re going to tell Ms. Albright that I got sick so I won’t be at rehearsal.”

“Why the hell would I do that?” He asks.

“Because if you don’t, I’ll tell Abby about your little arrangement with Bram and then we’ll see if she’s even willing to be your friend after that,” Simon threatens. He looks so angry, I actually believe that he’d do it. “It doesn't feel so good to be blackmailed, does it?”

Martin turns a little pale before he spins on his feet and storms away. Once he’s out of earshot, I ask, “do you think he’ll actually tell her you’re sick?”

“Probably not. But he’ll tell her I won’t be at practice and that’s good enough,” Simon tells me.

“Will you tell Abby?” I ask.

Simon looks at me guiltily. “She already knows.”

“What? How?” I ask.

“When you came out to me and I knew who you were, I kinda told Abby everything,” he explains.

I frown. I remember Jacques telling me he came out to his best friend, but even after I suspected that Simon was Jacques, I didn’t make that connection.

“I didn’t tell her your name or anything like that,” he hastily adds. “I just told her that I am gay and that the guy I am in l- that I like was being blackmailed by Martin.” My heart starts beating so fast it feels like it’s fluttering. I am 99.9% sure that he was about to say he’s in love with me. “And I asked her to spend a little more time with him. She agreed, but only if I was there for it. That’s when she told me she liked Nick. I knew Nick liked her. I’ve known pretty much since she moved here, but I didn't tell him until last night. I didn’t want to out you, but I saw how much it was eating him up. I came out to everyone that needed to know and then I told him everything and got ready to put my plan into motion.”

“Which was to convince Martin to out you instead?” I ask. My heart is still fluttering and shows no sign of slowing.

He shrugs. “It seemed like a good idea at the time.”

I study him for a moment. “A good idea to protect the guy you love?” I ask before I consciously make the decision to. I freeze the moment the words are out of my mouth. I can't believe I just asked him that.

“Yes,” he whispers. I don’t take my eyes off of him. I need to hear him say it. He seems to understand, because after a moment, he looks like he is mentally preparing himself for something. “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I tell him.

I see something flicker in his eyes the same moment that I feel like I can't take it anymore. In two steps, I practically run to him. He is several inches shorter than me, which makes it easy for me to lift his head and bring my lips down to his.

I have no idea how long we kiss for. I am so swept up in the feeling of his lips on mine. I had known Jacques had girlfriends in the past; it made me nervous to no degree to know that he’d kissed several girls when I had yet to have my first kiss. It made me obsess over how this moment would play out. I’d always thought I needed to give him such a great first kiss with a guy that he would forget he’d ever kissed girls. The moment our lips touch, I forget to be self-conscious. I forget about his girlfriends. And I forget about the pressure I had put on myself to make this kiss unforgettable. There is no room for that and I'm confident the kiss is already unforgettable.

I’m pretty sure as first kisses go, mine is particularly magical. I never imagined it would happen in an empty school hallway outside the auditorium where a lot of kids are gathered for play practice, but I guess it’s not where it happens that matters; it’s who it happens with. I definitely got pretty lucky with Simon.

We don't break apart until there is an uncomfortable cough behind us. We turn and see Ms. Albright. “Ms. Albright,” Simon squeaks. “What are you doing here?”

“Mr. Addison seemed adamant that there was something I needed to see in the hallway,” she explains. Her face and voice are completely neutral.

“Freaking Martin,” Simon whispers. “I’m sorry. I know I shouldn’t blow off play practice. But Martin was going to out us and we had a lot to talk about.”

“Yeah, I can see all the talking that was happening.” I turn bright red and look at the floor. I’m shocked when she starts to laugh. “Go. Have fun. But do not miss my rehearsal again.”

“I won’t,” Simon promises. “Thanks!”

Ms. Albright turns and walks away. She mutters, “oh to be young” as she walks away.

“Just like that?” I ask uncertainly.

Simon nods. “Ms. Albright is pretty awesome. And she knows me enough to know I wouldn’t skip practice for nothing,” he explains. “What I wouldn’t give to be a fly on the wall when she goes back in. Martin’s gonna freaking hear it.”

“You think?” I ask. It seems unlikely that she’d get angry at Martin when she didn’t give Simon any trouble for ditching practice.

“Oh, I know. She’s gonna be pissed. He pretty much just tried to out us to her,” Simon points out. “That’s not something she’ll take lightly. Ms. Albright is really big on not being unnecessarily cruel. It’s one of the reasons that, ironically, the drama department is relatively drama free. Day one, she told us she wouldn’t tolerate any of our shit. She actually said that. Surprised us so much that we all believed her.”

“She’s not like other teachers, is she?” I can’t help but smile a little. I got the feeling that she was the kind of teacher students needed. I wish I had her at some point, but my acting skills would probably get me booed off the stage. Plus, I have soccer.

“Not at all. She’s… real, if that makes sense.” Simon’s eyes are scrunched like he’s deep in thought. “She’s the kind of teacher that will call you out on your shit regardless of how much she likes you. It’s kind of refreshing.”

I nod. “So she gave you the rest of the day off, huh?” I ask.

A huge smile lights up his face. It’s almost dazzling. “Yeah,” he confirms. “What do you want to do?”

“Do you want to go somewhere and talk?” I ask. “An hour ago, we didn’t… well, I guess you knew who I was and I suspected it was you, but now we both know. I feel like there’s a lot we have to talk about.”

“Like how we’re going to deal with this whole thing with Martin?” Simon guesses.

“That. What we want this to look like, what we are, how much contact we want at school, if we want to go on real dates. Are you going to be my boyfriend or are we against titles? Things like that.”

I don’t realize what I said until Simon whispers, “Boyfriend.” I don’t know what to say to that. I’ve been mentally referring to Jacques as my boyfriend for a couple of months now, but I have no idea what Simon’s thoughts are on that. “I like the sound of that. You’re my boyfriend.”

It makes me smile and I’m sure I look excessively happy, but I can’t smile any smaller. Hearing it come out of his mouth makes me want to climb the tallest building in Atlanta and scream that Simon is my boyfriend for everyone to hear. “Well, I guess that’s one less thing we have to talk about.”

“I think there’s one more thing we should talk about before we go,” Simon tells me. He looks nervous to bring it up and I look at him curiously. “I want to be able to go on dates. In fact… the Dairy Queen isn’t far from here and I could really go for an Oreo Blizzard right now. We don’t have to hold hands or kiss or anything like that, but I’d like to spend some time with you.”

“Let’s do it.” I surprise myself with my enthusiasm. I guess it feels like a date is long overdue.

“And then maybe afterwards, you can meet my parents.” Simon shifts uncomfortably. “I told them that I liked someone when I came out to them and they’re dying to meet you.”

“Wow. Parents.” I take a deep breath. “Okay, but only if you come over tomorrow so I can tell my mom.” I don’t know why I am bargaining. I’m going to meet his parents regardless. It feels like such a huge step, but considering he told me he loves me, it is the natural next step.

“I can come home with you after school,” he suggests. “And there’s my siblings. And we need to officially tell Abby, Leah, and Nick. And you need to tell Garrett. I don’t know if there’s anyone else you want to tell.”

“Okay,” I agree. I feel as if the world is racing around me and I have to hope I’ll catch up with it soon. It’s so much so fast and I don’t know if I’m ready for all of this. This morning I didn’t think I was ready to come out and now we’re talking about meeting parents. It makes me feel panicked and rushed. It was my idea to be all in, but now I’m not so sure.

My uncertainty must show on my face, because Simon frowns. “Come on. Did you drive?” He looks at me expectantly and it takes me an embarrassingly long time to realize he asked me a question.

“Um… no. Garrett drove me today.” It just occurs to me that I was supposed to take the bus home.

“Then let’s go. I’ll drive.” I follow him without a word.

We’re almost to the Dairy Queen when I find my voice. “About before-” I don’t get more than that out before Simon interrupts me.

“Let’s talk about it over ice cream,” he suggests. He pulls into the parking lot. He orders an Oreo Blizzard and I end up getting the same because I haven’t eaten at a Dairy Queen in years and I trust his judgement. We take our seats and before I have the chance to say anything, he takes a deep breath and a steely expression settles on his face. “If you’re not ready now, we’ll figure it out. I don’t want you to think you have to say yes because you’re afraid of losing me or something. I’m not going anywhere and I’m willing to go as slow as we need to. This is a lot and everything’s happening quickly. I’ve had weeks to reconcile myself to all of this. You’ve had a few hours. I understand that.”

“Thanks,” I say appreciatively. “I don’t know what it was. It’s like hearing everything that we need to do once we’re out made me realize just how significant this is.”

“I know what you mean. It’s really overwhelming. There’s a long list of people that need to hear it from you and a lot of loose ends to tie.”

“I hope this doesn’t change anything. I still want you to be my boyfriend. And I still want all those things to happen. Just not all at once,” I explain. I hope that makes sense, because I worry that I’m speaking gibberish.

“Tell you what. Let’s plan things one at a time - we'll take baby steps. Your mom doesn’t know yet, so let’s tell her first. Once she knows we’ll figure out the rest.” Simon looks thoughtful. “If you’re ready, we can tell her tomorrow.”

I think about what he says. “What if we tell her Saturday? My dad is coming in for Hotel Hanukkah and I can kill two birds with one stone. Tell them both in one day. And maybe you can spend the night tomorrow? We can have one night before everything changes.” I feel like everything is backwards with us, but him sleeping over doesn’t seem nearly as terrifying as coming out to my parents.

Simon grins. “That sounds great to me. More than great.” I wonder if he’s enjoying the same image I am of us talking late into the night until he eventually falls asleep in my arms. I can picture us waking up to the sound of chirping birds and sunlight in my bedroom. It makes me long for that exact moment.

“I don’t know when Martin is going to out us… if he’s even going to out us, but once he does, we’ll be out at school. No question about that. But as for your parents…”

“They’re gonna make an insanely big deal about this. They make a big deal about everything. Believe me, I can wait to break the news to them.”

Despite his words, I could see Simon looks a little uneasy at the idea of not telling his family. “I’m sorry. I promise I won’t make you wait too long. I just… I obviously have to be there to meet your family and I want to make sure I don’t make a complete fool of myself in front of them.” The guilt is threatening to overwhelm me nearly as much as my fear of moving too fast had.

“Seriously, it’s fine. I wasn’t joking when I said they make a big deal about things. I had a cup of coffee the other morning and my mom practically broke out the video camera,” Simon tells me. “You have nothing to feel sorry about.”

We finish our Blizzards and Simon drives me home. I manage to convince him to come inside for a bit and we end up making out on my bed for a long, long time. It’s so intense that we have to stop several times to catch our breath and take a break. When we aren’t kissing, we are talking. Sometimes it’s about the little things like how horrible Algebra is or the latest gossip around school. Sometimes it's about the big things like what my parents are like, how Leah took Simon coming out, and his Dad's reaction to it. His dad apparently made a joke about who turned him that resulted in a family meeting after Thanksgiving dinner so he could apologize. They spent hours talking about it. Simon laughs as he explains that, as a form of reconciliation, his dad offered to go on Grindr with him because he thought it was Facebook for gay people. I can't help but laugh along with him.

Too soon, he has to leave. He needs to be home for dinner and my Mom's going to be home soon, so we disentangle ourselves and kiss goodbye.

I know I'm not gonna sleep a wink. I feel like I've had 15 cups of coffee. Simon is my caffeine. He makes it impossible for me to calm down. It doesn’t help that every time I get close to sleep, I think about Martin and how at any moment, he may out Simon or me to the school. He must have felt the same way, because around 11, he calls me. My mom has long since gone to bed and even though there's no chance of being overheard, I whisper when I answer him. “Hey.”

“Were you sleeping?” Simon asks.

“Like I could sleep after the day we’ve had. I keep waiting for it. I don’t know how he’s going to do it. Is he going to post it to creeksecrets? Is he going to print out pictures of our emails and post them around the school with our headshots? Or is it going to be subtler? Is he going to send someone a text, let it slowly make its way around school and watch as it gets completely twisted as it descends the grapevine?” I’m borderline ranting, but I can’t help myself.

“Bram, you’re obsessing,” Simon interrupts me. “We don’t know what he’s going to do and there’s no use freaking out over it. You’re just going to drive yourself crazy.”

I grumble and groan, but accept that he’s right. “Then distract me,” I beg.

And he does. We’re still on the phone as my alarm goes off for school. “I guess it’s time for me to wake up,” I joke.

“Why do you wake up so early?” Simon asks. “My alarm isn’t going to go off for another thirty minutes.”

“Because I live almost 25 minutes from school,” I point out. No one really talks about it, but where we live is weirdly segregated. I don’t usually think about it, but I guess my morning commute means that Simon gets to sleep in a lot later than me. “In case I hit traffic, I leave pretty early.”

“I never thought about that. That sucks. You’ll have to spend the night one night. Get a real night’s sleep.” I can’t tell if he’s joking, but the idea of that makes me smile.

“Speaking of spending the night, did you ask your parents if you can stay over?” I ask.

“They said they’re fine with it. I already have an overnight bag packed. I told them that you needed me when you see your dad, so they’re not expecting me back until tomorrow night,” Simon says. I can practically hear his smile.

“Great! Do you want me to pick you up on my way to school so you don’t have to carry your bag all day?” From what I remember, he’s not that out of the way.

“Are you sure you’re okay with that? You already have a pretty long commute,” he points out.

“I don’t mind. It’s more time I get to spend with you. And less time I spend thinking about Martin.” The moment I mention his name, the dread creeps into me.

“You definitely should not be thinking about any other guys, so I will accept your offer of a ride.”

“Then I’ve got to get ready. I’ll see you soon,” I promise. When we hang up, my mind is only on Martin. I hate that I can’t stop thinking about him and how he might out us.

Martin does something that’s worse than outing us. He does nothing. It makes my anxiety so much worse. Throughout the day, I keep waiting for it to happen. I expect him to stand up and proclaim it during English class. I expect him to write it on the whiteboard in History when he raises his hand and asks to write a joke on the board. I think his joke is a message to me, a warning that I’m not safe. _What do you get when you mix black and Jewish? Blueish._

He doesn’t do anything more, but I don’t believe he’s done. Simon comes home with me after school and we spend the entire afternoon talking… well mostly kissing, but some talking definitely happened… I think.

My mom is working late, so Simon and I end up ordering chinese food for dinner. We eat on the couch in the living room. We had planned to watch a movie, but that remains completely forgotten as we talk. We end up turning in early. We’re both exhausted after staying up all night and I’m asleep before my head hits the pillow.

When we wake up, we stay in each other’s arms for several minutes, enjoying our stolen moment of freedom. I know once I come out to my mom, there will be an open-door policy and something like this won’t happen again for awhile.

I’m surprised to see we slept over 12 hours. It’s almost ten and I know that my mom is up and about. We finally pry ourselves apart and I run to the bathroom to get dressed while Simon changes in my bedroom. Once we are dressed for the day, we go downstairs. I stop dead when I see my mom and dad sitting on the couch in our living room.

I’m half convinced they somehow know about me. They make uncomfortable small talk for several minutes before my dad clears his throat. “Sheila is pregnant.”

I know my mouth is open, but I can’t help it. Sheila is my stepmom. She’s much younger than my dad, so I guess I should have known that kids would be on the table for her, but I had never considered that my dad would have another kid. “Wow.” I don’t know how I feel. I don’t know if I’m angry or excited or nervous.

“She’s due in June,” he adds. He rubs the back of his neck.

I do some quick math in my head. That means she’s been pregnant three months. Isn’t this the kind of thing that you tell your kid a little earlier? Three months is when you tell casual acquaintances and extended family. Or maybe I’m wrong. I’ve never been pregnant nor have I ever really known anyone that has gone through the process. I don’t even know where I’ve heard that, so I staunch the unexpected flow of anger. This probably took him a lot of courage to tell me. I know from all the anxiety and nerves I’m currently feeling how difficult it can be to deliver news when you don’t know how it will be taken.

I mentally take a deep breath. He doesn’t need me to be critical. He needs me to be supportive. “Does she know what she’s having yet?” I ask.

“She won’t know for six more weeks,” he tells me.

I nod. “How are you doing with this?” I ask.

“We’re both thrilled. We’d been trying for almost a year, so we were really excited when we found out.” He looks happier than I ever remember him being. Most kids hate when their parents get divorced and I was no exception when it happened, but as I got older, I realized how much happier they were apart.

“Congratulations Mr. Greenfeld.” Simon is smiling nervously and looks kind of uncomfortable. I don’t blame him.

We talk for nearly an hour about the baby until Simon shoots me an expectant look. In that moment, I know that now is not the right time. This is my dad’s moment, not mine. I shake my head. My mother notices. “Is everything all right?” She asks, looking back and forth between us.

“Yes,” I say quickly. “We were planning to go to Waffle House for breakfast, but this is more important.”

“You can go. I’ve got to get to work and your father has to finish setting up for tonight,” my mom states.

“Are you sure?” I absolutely will not go if there’s anything they need me for, especially considering that I just made up these plans.

“Go. I’ll see you at six,” my dad says. He stands up and I know he’s done talking about the baby.

“Okay. Well, thanks. I’ll see you all later.” I have to force myself not to run from the living room as I go to grab my keys. Simon follows me out to my car.

When we get to Waffle House, we are led to a booth. Waffle House is slowly filling up and soon the buzz of miscellaneous chatter surrounds us. After our food is brought over, Martin climbs into the booth next to ours. His back is to Simon, but I’m sure he knows we’re here. I think he’s eating with his parents, so I do my best to ignore him. I’m obviously not doing a great job. It doesn’t help that he’s directly in my line of sight. “Bram. Bram. Bram.” It takes me a minute to refocus my attention. “Do you want to switch seats?” Simon asks.

“No. This is fine,” I say. I look up into his grey eyes. They remind me of the calm after a storm and instantly that’s what I feel. I feel calm and like we can do anything.

“So you couldn’t tell your parents?” Simon asks. I can see he’s burning with curiosity, but he doesn’t want to make me uncomfortable.”

“My dad’s having a baby. I couldn’t tell them I’m gay on top of that,” I explain. “I guess I really screwed up our baby steps plan, huh?”

“Not necessarily.” He looks deep in thought. “The whole point of baby steps is to do what you’re comfortable doing. You aren’t comfortable coming out to your parents, so what are you comfortable doing?”

I frown and I feel like a lightbulb literally goes off in my head. “I want to tell Garrett. He deserves to hear it from me.”

“Then we’ll tell Garrett. You are under no pressure to introduce me to your parents until you are 100% ready,” Simon assures me.

“For the record, I can’t wait to introduce you to them. The timing just wasn’t right today. They are gonna love you. Not as much as I do of course,” I promise.

He smiles big. “I don’t think I’ll ever get used to hearing you say that,” he admits.

“I love you.” My voice is barely a whisper, but I feel like it carries.

“I love you too.”

I understand what he means, because I don’t think I’ll ever be able to wrap my head around the fact that he loves me. It makes me feel like everything is right with the world.

When we finish eating, Simon insists on paying since I paid for our takeout the night before and we head back to my house. I’d already told my dad that Simon was coming to Hotel Hanukkah, so now he’s going to have to sit through our awkward Hanukkah tradition for nothing.

A little over an hour before I’m supposed to meet with my dad, I pull out my phone and dial a familiar number. “Hey man,” Garrett says on the other end.

“Hey. Are you home?” I ask.

“Yeah. What’s up?”

“I’ll be there in five.” It’s a conversation we’ve had thousands of times, so I doubt he suspects he’s about to get life-altering news.

I lock up my house as we leave. Garrett doesn’t live far from me and before I ring the doorbell, he opens the door. “I’m watching Lilliana and she just fell asleep. Please don’t make a sound. Hi Spier,” he says. He looks surprised to see Simon, but doesn’t say anything else.

“Lilliana?” Simon asks.

“My sister’s kid… er baby… I don’t actually know what to call her. She’s eighteen months old next weekend,” Garrett explains. “My sister’s in town through Christmas and she asked if I could watch my niece so she could run a few errands.”

“That was nice of you,” Simon observes. I don’t think Simon knows much about Garrett, so it wouldn’t surprise me if he’d never seen this side of him. Garrett’s always doing stuff like this. He adores his niece. I make a mental note to make sure Simon gets to see Garrett with her when she’s not sleeping.

Garrett shrugs. “So what brings you two here?”

“I wanted to talk to you about something, but if this isn’t a good time…” I trail off. I know that he’s going to say it’s a good time regardless and I’m trying to determine whether he may be shirking any of his responsibilities to talk to me.

He shakes his head. “Honestly, it would be great to talk to someone that is willing to use more words than cookie and no.” He looks around as if he’s only just remembering that we’re outside. “Come in.”

He steps aside and we linger in his foyer. “We won’t take long,” I promise. “I know you have to get back to Lilliana.”

I am suddenly nervous and I know Garrett picks up on it. “What’s wrong?” He asks with a frown.

“Nothing’s wrong… not exactly.” I look down at the floor. I tell Garrett everything. I have been able to tell him about almost every uncomfortable and embarrassing moment that has ever happened to me, so why is it so hard to tell him this? Probably because we never talk about stuff like this and not about stuff that matters. I have no idea if he’s conservative like 90% of Georgia or if his friendship with me will be more important that my secret. Only one way to find out. “I’m gay.”

I don’t look up at him as I wait. Simon starts laughing and I turn to look at him curiously. “What’s so funny?”

“He totally knew,” Simon tells me.

“What?” I squeak. I turn to Garrett. He’s standing in front of me with this huge smile on his face. “You knew?”

“Well, I didn’t know know. But I was like 99% sure. You made me watch Harry Potter like two months ago because you’d never seen it. And you didn’t take your eyes off the screen once. They’re not that good.”

Simon gasps in indignation. “Not that good?” Simon is pretending to look hurt. “They are freaking amazing! Well… some of them are questionable and none of them are as good as the books, but Radcliffe’s performance is solid.” When Garrett only raises his eyebrows at him, he continues, “okay. We’re leaving.” I know he’s joking so I chuckle.

Garrett laughs too. “I actually understand your Halloween costume now if that helps,” he promises. “But give me a break. We watched all the movies in one weekend. And I kept getting distracted because Bram was practically swooning over Daniel Radcliffe.”

“I wasn’t swooning,” I mutter.

“In the scene where he’s changing… I have no idea which movie it’s in, you actually sighed. I kid you not.” He reenacts what I did and I pointedly avoid Simon’s gaze.

“Shut up,” I grumble. Simon is silently laughing next to me.

“So can I ask you a question?” Garrett asks. He looks at me nervously.

“Of course,” I confirm. I’m so relieved that he knew and that he’s clearly okay with this that I would answer just about anything right now.

“Do you have a thing for Martin?” He wonders.

“What?” I snort. “Martin? Why would you think I have a thing for Martin?”

“For like a month you’ve been like staring at him and you always look nervous around him,” Garrett explains. “I just figured…”

“He’s been blackmailing me,” I cut him off. “In August, I started anonymously emailing another gay kid at Creekwood. Martin found my emails and was blackmailing me. So I’ve been a little nervous around him, because I was terrified he would reveal my secret. But I failed, so it may happen any day now and I wanted you to hear it from us.” I hesitate. I glance behind me and Simon nods. “Simon is the guy I’ve been emailing. He’s my boyfriend.”

Garrett looks shocked. “Wow. Simon, you’re gay?” He asks.

“I would have thought that much was obvious now,” Simon says dryly.

“Right. Sorry. I just had no idea,” he apologizes. “Wow. This is great! Are you both going to be out now… or what’s your plan?”

“I don’t know that Martin is going to give us much of a choice,” I fume. It still makes me so angry that anyone could be so cruel just because the girl they like doesn’t like them back. “We’re going to try to keep this to ourselves as long as possible. He could have outed us on Friday, but he hasn’t yet, so it might not happen. If he never does, we’ll probably hide this for a little while. I just need some more time. My parents don’t know yet and… there’s a reason that you’re the first person I’ve told other than Simon.”

“Well, I’m honored. Whatever you need me to do, let me know. If you need me to pull Martin aside and like instill the wrath of God in him, I will.” Garrett cracks his fingers and pretends to look threatening. It makes me laugh, because Garrett is actually a kind of small guy. He’s a little shorter than Simon and he’s pretty thin too; but he has a big presence so most people don’t notice that.

I laugh. “I don’t think that will be necessary, but if he outs us, he’s all yours.”

Garrett opens his mouth when a piercing scream travels through his house. “That’s Lilliana. I’ve got to go,” he tells me. He’s already spinning on his feet.

“I’ll see you later,” I promise.

Simon and I leave. I sit in my car for several minutes, not bothering to even start the engine. “That went well,” Simon observes.

I nod and smile. “Yeah,” I agree. In truth, it couldn’t have gone better. I can’t believe I worried so much about this. I finally turn on my car. We’re going to be late for Hotel Hanukkah, but I don’t care.

This is probably the best Hotel Hanukkah we’ve ever had. Usually our time together is riddled with awkward silences, because my dad and I don’t really know how to talk to each other. Simon is our buffer. He effortlessly engages both of us in conversation. I don’t think I’ve ever seen my dad laugh so much before. Usually I can’t wait to leave afterwards, but I find myself lingering with my dad and Simon. I feel like I’m actually getting to know my dad for the first time. He can be really funny when he’s comfortable.

By the time I drop Simon off and get home myself, it’s well after midnight. I sleep late the next morning and take the day to catch up on homework… and text Simon, but I’m mostly focused on homework.

Monday at school, Martin is glaring daggers at me during English. I’m sitting on the couch with Garrett, Nick, Simon, and Abby. No one is whispering or staring and none of our friends said anything, so I know he hasn’t outed us yet. I am pretty sure that Nick and Abby would have had a billion questions for us since they don’t know, so I’m left wondering why he’s looking at me that way.

I get my answer during lunch when Abby pulls Simon and me aside. “I talked to Martin this morning,” she states.

“About?” Simon questions.

“He asked me out. I told him I was with Nick and he said that he wasn’t sure if it would make a difference if I knew he had feelings for me as well. I kinda told him I had already known that, but that I didn’t like him that way and he got really angry. He asked if the two of you had told me about your arrangement and even though I denied it… I think he saw through that. I think he knows the truth,” Abby says glumly.

Simon nods troubled. “We’ll deal with that. Abby, I’m so sorry you found out that way,” Simon apologizes. It takes me a minute to realize that Martin pretty much told her who I was.

Abby sighs, “I wish I’d heard it from you too, but that can’t be helped now. I knew you liked someone; I just never knew it was Bram.”

Simon looks around the crowded cafeteria. “I want to tell all of you at the same time.” He glances at the single cafeteria aid. She’s sitting in a chair near the line for food. Her nose is in a book and she looks oblivious to the world around her. “Get Leah and Nick and meet us in the hallway.” He turns and I follow him. “I’m so sorry.” His voice is barely a whisper. “I know we agreed on baby steps, but I have to tell them.”

“It’s fine,” I promise. “I’m totally cool with this.” I have a feeling our baby steps are going to revolve around Martin, so I’m going to have to learn to roll with it.

Nick, Leah, and Abby join us a minute later. When Simon tells them that I’m the guy he’s in love with - yes, he actually tells them that - I feel like I’m weightless. They thump me on the back and Nick warns me that if I hurt Simon, he will kick my butt. All in all, they take it really well. I can’t get the smile off my face the rest of the day.

That night, I make a decision. I love Simon with all of my heart and I want to show him that. We can throw baby steps right out the window. I’m never going to have enough time to come out to my parents, because I’m always going to be terrified to do it. But, I’ll do it for him. I don’t want to hide him from the people I love. Heck, I’m pretty sure I would be out and proud at school if that’s what he wanted.

When I see him in English, I pull him out into the hallway. “I want to tell our parents tonight. My mom is done with work at 2, so I figure after play practice you can come over and we can tell her? Then we can go to your house and tell your parents?”

“What happened to baby steps?” Simon wonders, his eyes wide.

“Forget about baby steps. I love you and I don’t want to hide you. Not from our parents.” Simon turns red.

“After play practice then,” he agrees.

I’m a weird mix between anxious and eager all day and by the time Simon rings my doorbell, I think I might explode with the intensity of my feelings.

We go straight to the kitchen where my mom is leaning against the island reading a medical journal. “Hey mom,” I say as I walk in. I put my bag on one of the kitchen chairs.

“Hey. Your dad’s coming over in a bit,” she says.

“Why?” I ask nervously. I just saw him last week. This never happens.

“I got some pregnancy books for him at work and he’s stopping by to pick them up,” she explains.

I frown, but realize that makes my job so much easier. “Okay. When he gets here, let me know. There’s something I want to talk to both of you about.”

“Is everything okay?” My mom asks.

“Everything’s fine,” I promise. “We’ll be in my room.”

Simon follows me upstairs and I close my door. “So I guess we have a few minutes,” I say with a grin.

“However will we pass the time?” He asks sarcastically.

I grin and sit down on my bed. He joins me after he puts his bag by my desk and locks my bedroom door. He looks at me like I’m the most beautiful creature on the planet. I feel like I should feel self-conscious, but there’s no room for that when I’m with him. His hand traces my cheek and I allow my eyes to flutter closed as he leans in and kisses me.

It seems like no time has passed before my mom knocks on my door to tell me my dad’s here. We break apart and I spend a minute trying to flatten out my ruffled clothes. I can’t quite get rid of the blush in my cheeks or the wild look in my eyes, but I doubt they’ll notice. And they’ll know soon enough, so I guess it doesn’t matter.

Simon and I go downstairs. My mom is showing my dad the books she got for him and he’s asking her questions. This is probably one of those moments where it really pays off that your ex-wife works at a hospital. I feel guilty the moment that thought passes through my head. I know that he loves my mom and that they both tried really hard to make their marriage work.

“Hey,” I say quietly to announce my presence.

“Bram said he wanted to talk to us,” my mom whispers to my dad. I wonder if she thinks I can’t hear her. She turns to me. “What’s up?”

I look back and forth between them. I squeeze my eyes shut tight. I remember how well it went with Garrett and remind myself that they have to find out sooner or later. May as well make it sooner. “I’m gay.” I don’t open my eyes to see their reaction. Instead, I continue, “Simon is my boyfriend. I wanted the two of you to hear it from me and I really hope this doesn’t change anything.”

Because my eyes are closed, I am surprised when someone hugs me. I open my eyes and instinctively hug my mom back. My dad puts his hand on my shoulder. He’s beaming. Neither of them look the slightest bit upset.

When my mom pulls back, she looks me in the eye. “This changes some things,” she warns. My heart begins to drop in my chest. “You are never shutting your door when Simon is over again.”

I can’t help but smile. “That seems fair,” I agree.

“Thank you for telling us. We love you so much and… we’re excited that you found someone like Simon. You seem like a wonderful young man,” my dad says. After he got me a book by Casanova for Hanukkah, I really thought he was going to be blindsided by this, but neither of them look all that surprised.

“You don’t look surprised,” I observe.

“I guess it makes sense,” my dad admits. “I didn’t know, but now that I do, it seems so obvious.”

“But you got me History of my Life by Casanova for Hanukkah,” I point out.

“You know, I’ve heard that Casanova was bisexual,” my dad shrugs.

I stare and shake my head. “Thank you. Both of you.”

“Don’t thank us. We had the easy part. Thank you for being so brave,” my mom says fondly. I grin and look back at Simon. He has watched our exchange with a small smile on his face. My mom glances at him. “Do your parents know yet?”

“We actually planned to tell his parents tonight,” I begin.

“Go. Tell them,” my mom encourages.

“Are you sure? I don’t want to cut this short,” I maintain.

“Don’t worry about it. We’ll talk later,” my mom promises me.

From the way she says talk, I have a feeling I’ll be subjected to a lengthy talk about Simon and sex. Maybe I can convince Simon’s parents to let me stay the night, but I doubt it. I doubt my mom would let me even if I succeed. “I love you,” I whisper as I hug both of them. Despite the embarrassing talk that will inevitably be waiting for me when I get home, I’m euphoric.

Simon lives on the other side of the school which means it takes him almost thirty minutes to get to his house. I’m amazed that he never complained about his commute once when we were working on our project. I’d never thought about it and if I had, I would’ve insisted that we alternate whose house we worked at.

I’ve never been inside Simon’s house and I take in everything as we walk through the halls. There are so many pictures that he told me about as Jacques. I almost forgot they would apply to Simon. We walk into the kitchen where his younger sister is sitting at the kitchen table. His mom and dad are whispering back and forth near the stove as his mom mixes something in a saucepan. “Can one of you Skype Alice?” Simon asks. “She’s going to be pissed if she misses this.”

“Misses what?” Nora asks. Her eyebrow is arched as she stares at Simon.

Simon doesn’t answer. Instead, he looks at her expectantly. She groans and grumbles as she calls Alice to tell her to get on her computer. Within five minutes, we have everyone’s attention. It almost makes me self-conscious.

“Hey Alice. How’s college?” He asks.

“Nuh uh. You did not pull me away from my biology homework to make small talk. What’s going on bub?” She asks.

Simon looks around the room and smiles. “Do you remember Thanksgiving when I told you that there was a guy I like, but I didn’t tell you anymore information and you were all pissed?” He asks.

“Very distinctly. Go on,” Nora says in a dry voice.

“Well, I’d like to introduce you all to my boyfriend. This is Bram. Bram, this is my family.”

The scene that unfolds before us is actually comical. Nora’s mouth is open wide. She actually goes to school with us so she knows my reputation for being quiet and shy as well as anyone. Alice looks like she is going to explode with happiness. Simon’s mom actually covers his dad’s mouth when he begins to speak to stop him from saying anything inappropriate.

“It is lovely to meet you,” his mom says. She is smiling big and I have no doubt that I’m not the only one that will be subjected to an uncomfortable sex talk tonight. “You must be a pretty great kid, because Simon is a special boy.”

Simon turns red and looks at the ground. He had warned me that his family was going to make a big deal about this and over the next hour, as I am asked hundreds of questions about myself, I understand just what he meant. I’m exhausted by the time Simon manages to convince his family he needs to get me home.

It takes thirty minutes for him to drive me back to my house and then we spend nearly thirty minutes kissing in his car under the safety of the night sky. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” I promise when I know we can no longer delay the inevitable conversations waiting for us.

“See you tomorrow,” he grins. I can feel his eyes on me as I cross my sloped yard. When I get to the door, I turn and wave. I’m still smiling as I close the door behind me. I go towards the kitchen. My mom is still setting the table for dinner and I’m surprised to see my dad is still here.

I know it’s coming, but that doesn’t make the next three hours of my life any easier. It’s painfully obvious to me that my dad googled some things about gay sex so he’d be able to have this conversation with me. By the time I get to bed, I feel mentally exhausted. Today was a really eventful day. Despite my anxiety that this was too much too soon, I feel like it was meant to happen this way.

I oversleep, so I am rushing to get to homeroom before the bell rings. I can’t wait to see Simon in English. Homeroom is only seven minutes long, but it feels like an hour as I watch the seconds tick by. The principal comes on the intercom and does the Pledge of Allegiance and then he gives a few announcements. I don’t know if it’s intentional, but he seems like he’s speaking slower than usual. Finally, it’s English. I sit next to Simon on the couch. Our knees bump and elbows brush multiple times throughout the class. So many times that I know I’m not the only one intentionally instigating the contact. When Mr. Wise starts to read aloud from our book, Simon pretends that he doesn’t have his even though I saw it when he was looking through his bag.

His shoulder leans against mine as he reads along with me. It takes everything in my power to remember that we are in a classroom and I can’t do any of the things I want to do.

The next couple of days pass in a similar manner. Simon and I do homework after play practice almost every day. Finally it’s Friday. We’re both excited about the prospect of having some time together without textbooks between us.

I see Simon before school because we’re both early. “Do you want to see a movie tonight?” He asks me. “There’s a theater in Decatur that I doubt anyone we know goes to. It will be a little more of a drive, but we can go on a date for real. One where we don’t have to worry about holding hands or anything like that.”

I smile. The thought of it makes me nervous, but he’s clearly done his research. “I’d love to,” I agree. We both have to run to get to homeroom on time.

It’s Friday which means a student does the pledge and announcements over the loudspeaker. I’d been chosen last year and I had actually convinced my mom to let me go to school late the day I was supposed to do it. I hated the idea of my voice being projected all over the school.

Today, Martin Addison’s voice comes through loud and clear. It makes me cringe. He recites the Pledge of Allegiance and then reads off the announcements. “And now, a special announcement. There is one more month until Oliver hits the stage! Here’s a sneak peek into the play.” I expect the opening number or some of the dialogue to be recorded.

Instead, I hear Simon’s voice. There’s noticeable talking in the background, but despite that I can hear him loud and clear. “Bram. Bram. Bram.” I hear him snap his fingers. “Do you want to switch seats?” My blood runs icy cold as I realize what’s happening. Martin recorded us. I wonder how long it will take an administrator to notice that this has nothing to do with the play.

“No. This is fine.” All eyes in the classroom are on me. I wish I didn’t sit in the front of the classroom, but I don’t think that would do me any good. If I sat in the back, I have no doubt they would have turned to stare.

“So you couldn’t tell your parents?” Simon’s voice sounds muffled at first and I realize Martin must have moved his phone, because the last part of his question sounds crystal clear.

I feel my heart clench in my chest as I know what’s coming a second before it happens. “My dad’s having a baby. I couldn’t tell them I’m gay on top of that. I guess I really screwed up our baby steps plan, huh?”

Before I have a chance to panic or react, Simon bursts through the door. He looks like he just sprinted through the hall, which given that his homeroom is on the other side of the building, may very well be the case.

Mr. Grant raises his eyebrow at Simon, but doesn’t say anything. Simon looks at me determinedly and walks to my side. He laces his fingers through mine. Suddenly my classroom is buzzing with whispers.

I am breathless for a moment. This is as much of a stand as he could take. I wonder if he asked to leave his homeroom if he just got up and ran to my rescue. I miss most of the dialogue that occurs next. I don’t even care that we’re in the middle of a classroom or that anyone could know that we’re together. I care that he’s here and I don’t have to go through this alone.

No one needed to know it was him. He made the choice that I am more important than his secret. The thought makes me euphoric. As my feelings of panic ebb, I can finally listen to what’s playing over the intercom.

“For the record, I can’t wait to introduce you to them. The timing just wasn’t right today. They are gonna love you. Not as much as I do of course.” I feel myself turning red again.

“I don’t think I’ll ever get used to hearing you say that.” I can hear Martin’s parents in the background. They ask him what he’s doing.

“I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Hearing us declare our love over the intercom makes me blush. The recording cuts off right after that. For a moment, the silence is almost deafening. Then Mr. Grant’s classroom phone starts to ring. “Hello. Yes, he’s here. I’ll send them both.”

“Simon, Bram. Ms. Knight wants to see you,” he tells us.

We get out into the hallway and Simon stops me before we can walk to the office. “What’s going through your head?” He asks.

“I don’t know,” I whisper. “I knew he could out us, but to do it that way? Everyone in the school knows. Students, teachers, administrators.”

Simon loops his hand through mine again. “Hey,” he says soothingly. “It’s okay. No matter what happens. I’m here. I love you.”

“I love you too.” I close my eyes. The bell rings, but we don’t move. I stand with my hand in his as students walk around us. I’m terrified and nervous and self-conscious, but mostly, I’m so ridiculously in love with Simon that nothing else matters.


End file.
